Beautiful Disaster
by Just.Another.Wannabe
Summary: Songfic to Kelly clarkson. Pansy Parkinson gave up her whole life for Draco Malfoy.


From the moment she first saw him, she knew that Draco Malfoy needed her. Nobody else could see it, as only Pansy was really watching him. Yes, she saw he was hurting from the time she first laid eyes on him. He was just walking up and down those train corridors, acting like the coolest thing, like he owned the place. Anybody else would have glanced up and thought, oh, first year thinks too highly of himself. Ehh, time will fix that. But not Pansy.

He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know  
He's as damned as he seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold

The first time they met, she was just a first year, sitting in a compartment with her Patil twins-back when they were _her_ Patil twins. Pansy had dropped a Galleon on the floor, so she was kneeling on the floor, picking it up. She heard the door slide open, and glanced up slightly to see three pairs of feet walking towards her. The ones on either side were huge, dragging heavily on the ground. The ones in the middle were smaller, taking strides of what was seemingly self-importance. But that isn't what Pansy saw. Something in each step he took resembled a cautious nature. As if he was being careful to not make a fool of himself. By looking at his feet, she could see the pressure he put on himself, as to not embarrass his family.

And if I try to save him  
My whole world could cave in  
It just ain't right  
Lord it just ain't right

After what seemed like ages of just staring at his feet, Pansy looked up into his face. A sneering look danced across his face as he said tauntingly, "Going to stay down there all day?" Pansy rose up slowly, never taking her eyes off his face. When she was finally up straight, she looked him in the eyes. At first all Pansy could see was Draco's cold blue eyes, pride galore. But as she kept staring into them, there was a change. For a moment, just for a moment, his eyes were vulnerable. Just for that moment, Pansy saw Draco's broken soul. And then, just as quickly as it emerged, his weakness disappeared into coldness.

That was the moment Pansy Parkinson first fell in love with Draco Malfoy.

_Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_

"Parkinson, Pansy."

McGonagall called out her name, and Pansy rushed forward. She sat onto the stool, and crushed the hat on top of her head. Her heart was beating ferociously in her chest, as she looked out at all the Hogwarts students. Her eyes passed through the Great Hall, looking at all the tables-Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw…_Slytherin._

"Ah, a very diverse mind, I see." A voice within her head erupted. "Loyal to the core, not afraid to stand up for your beliefs, driven to make something out of yourself. Not too bad of an intellect, either. But where do you belong?"

"Pansy's heart skipped a beat. "I belong with him," she thought ferociously. "He needs me…I belong wherever he is."

"Willing to give your entire future for a single man? Ah, well, if you must…SLYTHERIN!"

_He's magic and myth  
As strong as what I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
And do I try to change him?  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold on tight  
Hold on tight_

"Pansy, what's happened to you?"

Pansy lowered her eyes. "I don't know what you mean, Pad. Nothings changed."

Padma Patil would give in that easily. "That's crap and you know it. And don't try to tell me it's all in my head, because Parvati's feeling it too. Ever since school started you've gotten different. Darker. More Slytherin."

Pansy got defensive. "Well, what's wrong with being a Slytherin?"

"Nothing, except it's changing you. It's like you don't care about anything. Like last week at the flying lessons when you made fun of Parvati for sticking up for a friend. That's not you."

Pansy sighed. This was the hardest thing she'd ever have to do. With a deep sigh, she said, "Well, that's who I am now. And if you guys can't take me as I am…well, I guess this is goodbye." And with that, Pansy turned around and walked away from her best friend, not once looking back.__

Oh 'cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster

"Blaise, have you seen Draco anywhere? I can't seem to find him."

"Probably up hiding in our dorm room. I know that's where I'd be if my father had just gotten arrested."

With a dirty look, Pansy strode up the stairs to Draco's room. She gently eased the door open to find Draco sitting alone in the darkened room, a small candle sitting at his feet. Draco didn't look up as she closed the door. He just kept staring into the small flame. Slowly, Pansy walked into the room and at on the other side of the candle, across from Draco. They sat there for what seemed like hours, until Draco finally spoke.

"I looked up to him. My entire life I looked up to him. I knew all about his days as a Death Eater, I knew his heart was in it. And I still looked up to him. I've spent my whole life doing my best to make him proud, to make him love me. And now look where he is." For the first time, Draco looked up into Pansy's eyes. He was hurting more than he's ever hurt before. "My entire life was devoted to making him proud. And now…what the hell am I supposed to do?"

Pansy's eyes swelled up with tears. She wasn't sure what to say to him. She had no advice for him. She had no way of making Draco better, and that killed her. Slowly, Pansy reached out her and touched Draco's softly. They sat there for ages, just gently holding hands and staring at the candle, silent tears occasionally running down their faces.

Eventually, Draco leaned forward, and blew out the candle._  
_  
_I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical  
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long  
So long_

_  
_"Thanks again, Myrtle. I know I can always count on you."

Draco left the bathroom, looking fresh as ever. Nobody else would ever know about his private breakdowns inside the schools bathrooms. Then again, there were many things about Draco that nobody else would ever know. He never even thought Pansy knew. But she did, of course she did. And it drove her mad.

Everytime he'd disappear for about an hour at a time, everytime he'd creep into the common room late at night with a slight sniffle, Pansy broke down a little more inside. His pain hurt her too. Sometimes Pansy thought that his pain hurt her worse than it hurt him. And then fact that sometimes Draco hurt too much to turn to her…well, that was the worst thing. Pansy had spent her life protecting him. She's spent years gaining trust, trying to let Draco know he would never be alone. And now there was somebody else helping him. Jealous of a _ghost, _Pansy thought with a dry laugh. Life couldn't suck more than it does now.

_  
He's soft to the touch  
But frayed at the end he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take_

"Don't pretend that you don't think I know what you're up to. You know me better than to underestimate me like that, Draco."

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Just cut it out! I can see the Mark!" Draco looked uneasily down at his left forearm, well covered in sweaters and shirts. "Not there, Draco. It's in your eyes. The Mark is in your eyes. What's he doing to you? What the hell is he doing to you?"

After moments of hesitation, Draco let down his guard. He spoke in a low, dead voice. "Don't cry for me Pans. It's not worth it. I have to do this for my family. Do you understand that? I have to do it. He trusts me to do it, so I've got to."

"I hate him Draco, I really do hate him. And I wish you were strong enough to hate him too."

Draco turned and walked out of the dungeons, leaving Pansy alone. As soon as he left, the sobs she had been holding in finally were released, as she fell to the floor, clutching her stomach. The thing she has feared from the day they met. It's finally happened.

Oh 'cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster

She gave up her life for Draco. Nobody ever really understood why. They couldn't see what she saw, nor could they feel what she felt. None of Pansy's roommates could guess that the strange noises they all heard in the middle of the night were sobs escaping Pansy's chest. Nobody in Hogwarts looked close enough to see the dark circles under her eyes, poorly covered with cheap foundations, from staying up when Draco was out late, doing whatever for You-Know-Who. Those closest to her would stare and think Draco beat her. Subconsciously, that's what he was doing, though he'd never want to. Pansy's friends tried to talk her out of love with him. Sometimes she herself even wished she had never fallen in love.

He's beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
Beautiful  
(Beautiful disaster)  
Beautiful disaster 

But Pansy always knew that she would never change a thing. Because she truly believed that, somewhere deep down, he was worth it.


End file.
